The entry below is in response to a friend of mine truly trying to understand why the defeat of Prop 8 in CA drew such notice. He asked in all sincerity, "Why do they want to be married?" He mentioned that even he wasn't so sure if this marriage thing, esp. via the church was truly a valid idea. Especially since most Prostestant churches reject marriage as a sacrament (the only two being communion and baptism.).
After an initial conversation, these thoughts ensued.
Peace
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Answer to "Why do they want to marry?" 11/21/08
As I said, just wanted to pass along a few thoughts about this marriage thing.
I think the very real need to be "married" goes beyond the concept of equal rights under the law or from another perspective forcing same sex marriages on a society that might not be ready for it. Your question was why do some feel they want or even need this so badly? Dealing with the politics and church political ramifications of it are very real but I feel they are a smoke screen for the real discussion as to "why?"
I can tell you that in realizing and/or one's "orientation" there is a struggle no matter who you are. It is a psychological process that isolates and one cannot imagine that anyone else has ever gone through what you are going through at that moment. Things to face are rejection of parents-either lovingly or violently (lovingly="we understand and love you but what did we do wrong, we will never have grandkids, our lives are forever changed now, etc." while violently=how could you do this to us, if you can live the right way get out, why did God have this abomination come from me, that is a disgusting, depraved community and deserve whatever it gives you, etc".)
Despite the ultimate reactions, the truth of the matter is that the training and ideals of family (mostly heteronormative ideals) are ingrained into LGBTQ folk just as they are into hetero folk. We've all been groomed to find partnership in life, become family with that person and that the final true public/spiritual testament to that love is to be married in the eyes of God and a company assembled. Heterosexuals have a choice of whether or not this is necessary for their lives. Heteros have the privelege (damn Union word slipped out) of whether or not to be married, whether or whether or not to have children, etc. The point is that the common starting point for us all is that ideal ingrained into us from childhood-marriage.
LGBTQ life at least in regards to these proscribed ideals, is full of personal loss. Identity has to be reformed and all of those cultural/religious aspirations either must be given up or somehow redefined to match the identity that has been shaped for you with the identity that has been shaped by you in no small part by your sexual affinity. It is here where I think the question "why marriage" can be answered. It seems to me that identity is, especially once we realize that we have some say in our own identity formation, something we cling to for dear psychological and spiritual life. The less we have to shed from those core years of identity formation the more secure we are in growing into our own person. Our choices become clearer because our foundation is strong.
In LGBTQ identity formation, those building blocks that are cultural, familial, and societal are the hardest to reframe because our input on their importance in our lives has been so limited. It is like the game Jenga-trying to build an identity while with each round of life you realize the pieces of your identity that culture and society takes away from your foundation. You can still grow and be strong and find where the new pieces fit but you are forever aware of the precarious nature of your identity because those foundational pieces like marriage, civil rights, human rights-all the things we grow up expecting-- are slowly being removed because of your sexual affinity/orientation. It's not even that it is a malicious thing. It's just the way things are set up. I think marriage represents much of this foundational identity formation. Now that there is even the remotest of possibilities of putting this foundational piece of identity formation back in place, people are reclaiming the piece.
Of course, there is the issue of whether or not these social constructs cause more damage than good. But at this stage of the game it doesn't matter, that debate will go on much ad infinitum. The fact is that these constructs are in place and until equality exists the place of conversation is not a level playing field. Strangely enough it seems to me the fight for marriage equality is more of a fight for a place of privelege from which one can choose whether or not to marry. That's my personal opinion, but it seems to me a perverse use of luxury. But then again, isn't so much of what we fight for a perverse pursuit of luxury?
I think the very real need to be "married" goes beyond the concept of equal rights under the law or from another perspective forcing same sex marriages on a society that might not be ready for it. Your question was why do some feel they want or even need this so badly? Dealing with the politics and church political ramifications of it are very real but I feel they are a smoke screen for the real discussion as to "why?"
I can tell you that in realizing and/or one's "orientation" there is a struggle no matter who you are. It is a psychological process that isolates and one cannot imagine that anyone else has ever gone through what you are going through at that moment. Things to face are rejection of parents-either lovingly or violently (lovingly="we understand and love you but what did we do wrong, we will never have grandkids, our lives are forever changed now, etc." while violently=how could you do this to us, if you can live the right way get out, why did God have this abomination come from me, that is a disgusting, depraved community and deserve whatever it gives you, etc".)
Despite the ultimate reactions, the truth of the matter is that the training and ideals of family (mostly heteronormative ideals) are ingrained into LGBTQ folk just as they are into hetero folk. We've all been groomed to find partnership in life, become family with that person and that the final true public/spiritual testament to that love is to be married in the eyes of God and a company assembled. Heterosexuals have a choice of whether or not this is necessary for their lives. Heteros have the privelege (damn Union word slipped out) of whether or not to be married, whether or whether or not to have children, etc. The point is that the common starting point for us all is that ideal ingrained into us from childhood-marriage.
LGBTQ life at least in regards to these proscribed ideals, is full of personal loss. Identity has to be reformed and all of those cultural/religious aspirations either must be given up or somehow redefined to match the identity that has been shaped for you with the identity that has been shaped by you in no small part by your sexual affinity. It is here where I think the question "why marriage" can be answered. It seems to me that identity is, especially once we realize that we have some say in our own identity formation, something we cling to for dear psychological and spiritual life. The less we have to shed from those core years of identity formation the more secure we are in growing into our own person. Our choices become clearer because our foundation is strong.
In LGBTQ identity formation, those building blocks that are cultural, familial, and societal are the hardest to reframe because our input on their importance in our lives has been so limited. It is like the game Jenga-trying to build an identity while with each round of life you realize the pieces of your identity that culture and society takes away from your foundation. You can still grow and be strong and find where the new pieces fit but you are forever aware of the precarious nature of your identity because those foundational pieces like marriage, civil rights, human rights-all the things we grow up expecting-- are slowly being removed because of your sexual affinity/orientation. It's not even that it is a malicious thing. It's just the way things are set up. I think marriage represents much of this foundational identity formation. Now that there is even the remotest of possibilities of putting this foundational piece of identity formation back in place, people are reclaiming the piece.
Of course, there is the issue of whether or not these social constructs cause more damage than good. But at this stage of the game it doesn't matter, that debate will go on much ad infinitum. The fact is that these constructs are in place and until equality exists the place of conversation is not a level playing field. Strangely enough it seems to me the fight for marriage equality is more of a fight for a place of privelege from which one can choose whether or not to marry. That's my personal opinion, but it seems to me a perverse use of luxury. But then again, isn't so much of what we fight for a perverse pursuit of luxury?
Monday, July 28, 2008
hold go stop
yesternow floats like cotton from the rooftops
into here
morrownow drifts just out of reach off rooftops
out to there
inbetween rests the all
asking neither to be born nor to live
answering either the yes or the no
at times it seems so easy and complicated
the systems of it all
hearing the noises of the streets death
restless and sleepless because of the earths moaning below
building the next incarnation of its existence
without the choking interference of its partners
Divorce is on the table
we don’t get to keep the house
but we do get the children
having no place to go
in the loudness of this empty silence
the stillness of this dizzying place
nothing to hold onto
nothing to let go
stop
hear the tolling
clear the air for breathing
wash the water for bathing
dream in sleep for wakefulness
into here
morrownow drifts just out of reach off rooftops
out to there
inbetween rests the all
asking neither to be born nor to live
answering either the yes or the no
at times it seems so easy and complicated
the systems of it all
hearing the noises of the streets death
restless and sleepless because of the earths moaning below
building the next incarnation of its existence
without the choking interference of its partners
Divorce is on the table
we don’t get to keep the house
but we do get the children
having no place to go
in the loudness of this empty silence
the stillness of this dizzying place
nothing to hold onto
nothing to let go
stop
hear the tolling
clear the air for breathing
wash the water for bathing
dream in sleep for wakefulness
Friday, July 25, 2008
Psalm of Lament of the Adopted Stranger
1Why bring me here, O God
To dwell in the midst of these?
2Having carried me away, from land to distant land,
Bearing the mark of resident alien.
3How I long to remember the tastes
Of the pomegranates of home,
4Dream of the refreshing pools of the land of my ancestors,
But the beloved people of home, they cast me out.
5I am the beloved reviled, celebrated as one whose songs of pain
Gladden the hearts of many who hear.
Selah
6Yet in my abiding as resident stranger,
YOU HIDE FROM ME!
7Leaving me to find food among the fallen, rotted fruit
In the vineyard’s row.
8My flesh has become accustomed
To the chilled emptiness of the sun’s retreat.
9There is none to love
In the solitary place.
10I have forgotten the hands of human embrace
And my heart cries out to you, O God.
11But why do you not hear?
What is the reason for this scorn?
Selah
12I believe you are my resting place;
Can you find rest in me?
13Reach into this strange land and pluck their hearts with songs-
The ones who dwell here.
14That I may sing at the welcome table of your righteousness,
The songs of joy and thanksgiving.
15Bring the warmth of the sun’s light upon my face
That I may feel your presence among your people.
16I beseech you, O God, visit me
In the wind, the rain, the moment of your desire.
17Blessed God, just make your way to me.
To dwell in the midst of these?
2Having carried me away, from land to distant land,
Bearing the mark of resident alien.
3How I long to remember the tastes
Of the pomegranates of home,
4Dream of the refreshing pools of the land of my ancestors,
But the beloved people of home, they cast me out.
5I am the beloved reviled, celebrated as one whose songs of pain
Gladden the hearts of many who hear.
Selah
6Yet in my abiding as resident stranger,
YOU HIDE FROM ME!
7Leaving me to find food among the fallen, rotted fruit
In the vineyard’s row.
8My flesh has become accustomed
To the chilled emptiness of the sun’s retreat.
9There is none to love
In the solitary place.
10I have forgotten the hands of human embrace
And my heart cries out to you, O God.
11But why do you not hear?
What is the reason for this scorn?
Selah
12I believe you are my resting place;
Can you find rest in me?
13Reach into this strange land and pluck their hearts with songs-
The ones who dwell here.
14That I may sing at the welcome table of your righteousness,
The songs of joy and thanksgiving.
15Bring the warmth of the sun’s light upon my face
That I may feel your presence among your people.
16I beseech you, O God, visit me
In the wind, the rain, the moment of your desire.
17Blessed God, just make your way to me.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
In Transit Ruminations
Fitting
The bough of the crook
of the lover’s arm, crease of hip
Speaks belonging in a way
no gift of love words can capture
There is the desire of the souls’
truth in that body bend
Quiets the mind, races the
heart, creates the unknown
deep in the core
Trying love on for size
to the radiator’s knock and hiss-
As the busy world outside
is hushed or disappears?
Branch of Mid-Winter
The dry branch bending in strength
to winter winds
Reminds of fragile strength
Some call love, or life
or joy or pain or death.
Each touch a fragile sense of strength
in desire, in longing, in risk of lasting.
Fluttering wildly in this elemental
phenomena
Fighting fiercely to understand
the sensation:
Being stretched to straining,
twisting as if poised to snap in two or three-
instead snapping back – whole
In too the life, because of the hidden green pulsing
still, oozing alive out and in spring bloom.
The bough of the crook
of the lover’s arm, crease of hip
Speaks belonging in a way
no gift of love words can capture
There is the desire of the souls’
truth in that body bend
Quiets the mind, races the
heart, creates the unknown
deep in the core
Trying love on for size
to the radiator’s knock and hiss-
As the busy world outside
is hushed or disappears?
Branch of Mid-Winter
The dry branch bending in strength
to winter winds
Reminds of fragile strength
Some call love, or life
or joy or pain or death.
Each touch a fragile sense of strength
in desire, in longing, in risk of lasting.
Fluttering wildly in this elemental
phenomena
Fighting fiercely to understand
the sensation:
Being stretched to straining,
twisting as if poised to snap in two or three-
instead snapping back – whole
In too the life, because of the hidden green pulsing
still, oozing alive out and in spring bloom.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Just wanted to say
I've been intrigued by the desire to create a blog so just went ahead and did it. Hopefully this will be a space where I can flesh out some ideas, talk about the sublime intensity of life or maybe just think about the simple things in lfe. Those simple things that bring a smile to our faces or our hearts build up strength to face the things that cause our hearts unease.
There is a song with a chorus that says "If I can help somebody as they walk along the way, then my living will not be in vain." Day by day I try, day by day I hope to encourage someone else to try. I don't know who cares to read these musings, but I am grateful to any who do.
There is a song with a chorus that says "If I can help somebody as they walk along the way, then my living will not be in vain." Day by day I try, day by day I hope to encourage someone else to try. I don't know who cares to read these musings, but I am grateful to any who do.
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